i would've been a great ninja

July 5, 2006 under Life

I think I missed my calling. I would’ve been a great ninja, had I applied myself early in life.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I move with the wind. I don’t do it on purpose; it just happens. When I walk, I make no sound, or hardly any sound at the very least. When I was young, I would sneak up on my mom while she was knitting or watching TV and scare the hell out of her. I was undetectable. Many times over the course of any given month, I will scare Dena. I’m sure that the neighbours conjure images of domestic violence in their minds, as her screams are fairly loud. I don’t do it on purpose. Again, I move without generating a noise and when I finally do produce sound by saying something, she freaks…loudly. After which, I’m usually reprimanded by her for being too quiet and the token “I need to put a bell around your neck” phrase is the next thing out of her mouth. Dena is not my only victim. I regularly do this at work too. Some might view this as a useless or annoying affliction, but this would be a great boon to a ninja who must be skilled in the art of stealth. Ninjas rely on stealth and surprise, something that I have in spades.

Coupled with my uncanny ability to move quietly, I also have physical attributes that would lend themselves well to the ninja life. I’m not especially tall and have an ectomorphic frame (with no fragility). As such I could easily wedge myself into narrow areas and my minimal weight would allow me to perch on rooftops without worry of falling through.

The problem is that I should’ve been preparing when I was a young scamp. My dad wanted me to be a hockey player. However, I didn’t grow as tall as was hoped nor was I able to increase body mass. The shorter pro hockey players tend to compensate for their lack of height by being wide…stocky. Although I tried with extra weight training and special diets, I was and still am unable to gain weight (this bodes well for ninjas, though). My mom wanted me to become a pharmacist. After three semesters of pre-pharmacy, I concluded that I didn’t want to become a pharmacist. No offence to pharmacists or friends/family of pharmacists, but that line of work seemed extremely boring to me – it was something I couldn’t see myself making a career of. So I became a software developer or whatever the hell we’re calling ourselves nowadays. I wonder if I can merge my skills to become some sort of computer ninja. Maybe CSIS or Interpol have a need for positions such as this.

Either way, I could’ve been a great ninja 😉

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